Having a unique name, such as mine is, has inadvertently led to a big personal surprise: people from my past are actually contacting me and asking to “friend” me on Facebook! I’m touched and pleased to do so, especially since my memories of high school (as a single example) were of me being an extremely introverted individual with little to no social graces. Sure, I was smart, and I guess I must’ve been funny on occasion — but I know from my parents that I was overweight and my wit was often unintentionally painfully cutting. It wasn’t malice on my part; I honestly had no idea how to fit in. I suspect I must have thrashed around like a fish out of water sometimes in an effort to be liked — and doing so probably meant I accidentally whapped a lot of folks around me with my metaphorical tail. :)<\/p>\n
In retrospect, I guess what made my gracelessness acceptable in high school (and before, although I don’t recall those times as clearly) was that we were all<\/i> struggling madly to figure out who we were and where we fit, into our bodies as well as into our lives and interpersonal relationships.<\/p>\n
I was at least somewhat more socially graceful (although not astonishingly so, I suspect) by the time I was in college for the first go-round, when I joined the SCA; I cannot otherwise account for why a startling number of folks from that time appear happy to reconnect with me on Facebook. Indeed, discovering I was on the whole still<\/i> well thought of by those individuals quite surprised me — I found myself almost alarmed to discover that!<\/p>\n
I had to think about it for a while, to try and figure out why I’d have that reaction. I speculate it is due to my unwitting childhood reactions to moving so often. For example, since I knew no one would be there for any length of time, I unconsciously trained myself to never become too enamored of any place, or invest myself too much in any group of people. Over time I was trained how to be polite, of course, so the adults loved me — but I didn’t have a clue how to relate to my peers.<\/p>\n
Since I thought of myself as a lone individual, rather than an individual that was reassuringly part of a group or geographical area (i.e. “She’s so-and-so’s cousin,” or “I’m part of the 5th Street gang”), I seem to have felt the internal need to define myself quite stringently — there wasn’t anyone else to help me do so except immediate family, after all, and I didn’t really like the person they seemed to think I was. Further, it’s hard to trust some friend implicitly when you know quite well they’re going to vanish in a year or two. I think, whenever we moved, the child-me considered the past as something which had also effectively vanished, such that it existed only in my memories from that point on. Believing so, even if only unconsciously, meant I didn’t have to anguish over what I’d lost, since it was gone<\/i> — there was no returning to it.<\/p>\n
This also explains, I think, my intense dislike of role-playing games where someone screws with my character’s mind. If, as a child, I believed myself to have no real past — to be made only of my own personal memories — then having someone assault my mind means they are effectively erasing<\/i> part of what is me<\/i> — they are, without my permission<\/i>, changing the very person I am. It’s an easy step to having the phobias of the player reflected in the character being played, of course — both consciously and non-consciously.<\/p>\n
Apparently on some emotional level I also wasn’t happy about all the moving we did, since I seem to have projected my anger at this on the friends I left behind — i.e. I assumed they must be similarly angry, but with me for leaving them. This explains my recent, almost alarmed feelings at being “discovered” through Facebook: my unwitting internal assumption was that they would all still be annoyed with me. To have some of them actually seem pleased to find me has been startling, as I noted earlier… and has given me this opportunity to learn myself a little better. Thank you!<\/p>\n
I find myself curious now, though: has anyone else felt similarly? For example, if as a child you moved on average once every two years or so (or more), did you keep old connections and friends, or did you let them go? Or alternatively: if you grew up in one place, how did you react to friends who moved away — and did you hold on firmly to all the friends you had who stayed?<\/p>\n
Let me know what you think; I’d love to hear from you!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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