I hate being sick. Hatehatehate it with the fiery passion of coughing exhaustion coupled with the urge to rasp out: "just kill me now!" I really despise having no energy to even get out of bed… and I loathe having that groggy-foggy-headed case of the stupids. Memory check says: yes, I am smarter than this, dammit!

I had my tonsils removed when I was 5 or so – no biggie, as far as I remember. So why do the stupid things have to partially grow back, and then get infected now?! Swallowing should not feel like ground glass on the back of your throat!

To be fair – a mental state I consider highly overrated when I'm in pain – I should mention this is partly my own fault. A few nights of way too little sleep, coupled with enthusiastically overdoing it physically, coupled with not taking my vitamins for almost a week… and I'm not really surprised I'm ill. I'm not wild about my Trader Joes's Women's multivitamins, though – especially having to take five of them a day. Admittedly, they noticeably perk me up when I take them religiously, but I don't enjoy having to take them scattered throughout the day – I want to take them all at once and have it over with, you know? But if I do that, they make me nauseous. I'm totally open for suggestions on better vitamins to take, audience!

What I'd really like is some useful little tool that I can use to tell me what I need more of in my diet. Think how convenient it would be, with its chirpily cheerful little voice:

"Good morning, Collie! I see you're up nice and early. Please place your finger upon the sensor pad." I do so. "Thank you! One moment please… there we go. Are you ready for your nutritional review?"

Me: "Yes, please."

"Okay! I detect you are currently low on vitamins C and E, and on iron. You can augment your diet for those missing elements by eating some leafy greens. Examples are: asparagus, avocado, broccoli, cucumber, kiwi, and spinach. Would you like more examples…?"

-and so on, blah blah blah. That would make planning out what to eat for the day significantly easier, I think. Of course, knowing how my life can occasionally get, I suspect it would go much more like this:

I shuffle blearily into the bathroom in my shortie robe, squinting at the bright light – then wince at the piercingly chirpy machine's greeting: "Good morning, Collie! I see you slept in today. Remember, a regular sleep schedule is an integral part of a balanced diet and exercise regimen! Please place your finger upon the sensor pad." Muttering about intrusive mechanical nannies, I do so with a minimum of fumbling. "I am not detecting your finger upon the sensor- that is not a finge- there we go! Thank you! One moment please… please hold your finger still upon the sensor pad…"

Having gotten tired of just standing there and waiting while my apparently excessive nutritional failings are being analyzed and silently clucked over by an overly chatty machine, I've started brushing my teeth. Finally I hear:

"There we go. Are you ready for your nutritional review?"

Me: ""Eff, bh'weave."

"I'm so sorry, but I'm having trouble understanding you. Are you ready for your nutritional review?"

Me: "Yeff! I faid 'eff!"

"I'm so sorry, Collie, but I still could not understand you. Are you ready for your nutritional review?"

Me, getting irritated, "Fp'oopid mafine! I faid yeff!" Small splatters of toothpaste foam are now decorating the mirror from the emphasis of my trying to be more articulate with a mouthful of electric toothbrush and toothpaste.

"Oh, dear! I'm detecting significant auditory distress, Collie, which when combined with your worrying nutritional analysis indicates a dangerously high possibility of potential health issues such as dizziness, fainting, or even possibly epileptic seizure. I have notified the closest hospital to send out an emergency vehicle…"

-and so on!

Weirdly, when I mentioned this to a friend, I found out there is indeed a machine being worked on that will be able to detect one's current health status. I was rather intrigued until I heard what it was: the toilet! I shudder to think of the psychological turmoil which could ensue due to being critiqued for one's, er, "technique" by one's toilet… :)

 

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